What happened to me? Am I not a good daughter? Why on Earth would a memorial blogger, paying homage to a woman who survived cancer for 50 years, decide to take a break during cancer season? I mean, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Don't I want women to be aware? And now November--did you even know it's Prostate, and Pancreatic, and Lung cancer awareness month?
I actually thought it was oral, head, and neck cancer awareness month (turns out that only gets a week in May can goes by the acronym OHANCAW).
The point is, somewhere along the way in October I got in a funk. I dug my heels in, no matter the commemorations going on around me, and didn't want to go any further. Of course I love my mother, of course I want to honor her. But to be honest, I have a strange relationship with cancer. Shouldn't we all?
I remember mom never really being in the clear. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6, and by then she was already a 30 year survivor of the neuroblastoma bout. While I was in high school she had a large tumor identified in her neck that was found to be benign. Research at the time showed that these benign tumors could turn malignant overnight, but she was not advised by her doctor to remove the tumor then that would later kill her (yes, she did file a malpractice suit and won).
For over ten years we waited for the other shoe to drop. It was a maddening cycle of health, calm, fear, confirmed dread, and repeat. Things taken out, things put back in...all for momentary repreives. It got to a point I felt more stable when the cancer was back--at least then we knew what we were dealing with! The cycle of coping would start back up again and we knew how to handle ourselves. When she was in the "clear," well, we knew it would only be short lived.
I've spent a lot of time over my break thinking about the blog and the directions I want it to go. I want to finish posting her book, the poetry of friends, and filling it with the content essence of mom. But sometimes it gets a little too hard. Sometimes the calendar and I need to fight it out. Breast Cancer Awareness Month...it's a lot of pressure to keep it together when the whole world is coping, surviving, pulling together to conquer this common obstacle.
Think that's weird? During the darkest days of denial last month I woke up to find hundreds of runners going past my door. They were all a part of a breast cancer awareness month 5K run. What did I do? I got on my shoes and ran the other way. I literally ran against the grain, against the rush of all those wonderful people pulling together to do what they could to support their friends, family, or maybe even themselves.
Why would I do that? Wouldn't I want self identify myself among them? Aren't they my people? I felt lost. And as if that wasn't enough, after the fun run they...[sound of a booming voice] RELEASED THE SPRINTERS. The most fit and healthy of the runners zoomed past me as I tried to get to the front of the line, working still in the oposite direction.
November is half over, then its on to Thanksgiving, Christmas holidays, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The first two are probably obvious as to why I'd be thinking of Mom, standard holidays fun running past me. As to the last, she died on January 15, 1999, MLK's birthday. After New Years, it's sprinting right at me.
It just never ends.
So I'm applying some simple sports medicine to make it through. Icing and heating, self-medicating, and positive visualisation. I WILL make it to the finish line. Hope to see you there.
Sarah -- This is my first visit, and what an interesting and honest perspective you have. My own mother died in 1991, not of cancer, but I find that I deal with it privately, not in large group memorials. I find it interesting to read/hear about others grieving processes, and how the process never ends, is never finished. I think especially when girls lose their mothers.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't, you should read "Motherless Daughters." It's about the grieving process relative to the age you were when you lost your mother. According to the author, we all go through so many stages with our mothers, it makes sense that we'd all be in different places in the grief process depending on our age at the time. "Her Face in the Mirror" is another book on my shelf, a powerful edited volume of different perspectives through stories and poetry.
ReplyDelete1991...twenty years next year. You must have been in high school? I can't imagine.
Sorry to learn of your loss and so glad you wrote in to share.
Sarah -- I have the book on my bookshelf and have only looked at it once, in college. I haven't been able to bring myself to open it again. I may have to revisit it and find a copy of the other one you mention.
ReplyDeleteYep, a month before graduation. People wonder why I am a workaholic. It is good to have something to focus on.
Sarah, You have put in so much work for the tribute to your Mother. I am sure her spirit is proud that you never forget her and that your life has not continued on without her in memory. We are so sorry that the joys and happiness of the seasons run past you, paling with the feelings of a never ending loss. That is so sad to me. She so wanted you never to forget and surly she knew you never would. God bless her in heaven. We are always here and always lovingly trying to help you through. Cora
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