When She Smiles

Mom at the Matterhorn.

When she smiles,

the patch covering the hole
that cancer made where her right eye
used to be,

lifts and I can see the hole
while I am trying to eat dinner,
I am polite and swallow small bies

as I try to flow with her frenetic energy,
her passion for the next event, the next trip,
for the family photos

for the trips to Mexico for some kind of miracle
and to Chicago for chemotherapy,
and for her loved-soaked mother stories.

She has suffered for over forty-five years
with cancer, three or more primary sites,
mixed with lost love and not enough money,

and friends coming out of their walls
to help her, and she, trying to lead
the Yul Brynner Foundation

For Head And Neck Canter, --
that man who said, "When you watch this,
I'll be dead.  Whatever you do, don't smoke."

I say, when she smiles,
the patch over her cancer hole lifts
and I take small bites and listen

and can't even hear my problems--
they have crawled inside her head,
down into her heart

and moved through her body,
out her fingers and toes,
coming back to bless me.

And then she walks me to her truck,
gives me a book of love and laughter and prayers
and says, I never say goodbye, just so long."

Then she smiles so beautifully--
the patch always matched with her dress,
and me, embracing my tiny pain.

William L. Killian
Written for Janet Trever
Wednesday, September 24, 1997
Tucson, AZ

Wild Women: Well hello again

I love blogs...just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean that you all haven't been reading.  I've been in a slump, due in part to the issues apparent in mom's book.  Part III was the weaving together of many people, many resources, and many stories.  It departs from the chronological telling of mom's story and instead focuses on advocacy. 

But thanks to blog stats that I find hard to be true (9,000+?), I write renewed in my dedication to the blog.  We can do it!!!

As a thank you, I wanted to post a Wild Woman entry sent to me by my friend Daphne who first met my mom when she came to visit us in Taiwan.  To be clear, Mom would have watched and said, "Blech!" to the violence and revenge theme.  But hey, how often do I have the chance to defy my deceased mother?  Plus the footage comes from a Swedish film, "Thriller: A Cruel Picture"; my mother-in-law is Swedish and would also not approve of violence, so it's like an adolescent two-fer!

On the Road Again: U-Haul Stories

One thing about the Trever-Millers, we're kinda famous for our moves.  Not dance steps, our many moves around the country.  I like to tell people I went to 14 different schools by the time I graduated high school.  We were military brats for a time, but even after my parent's divorce, I liken my mother's notions of moving to that of Juliette Binoche's character in Chocolate.  She felt the wind blow and knew it was time to go.

In her book she dedicated a paragraph to the week-long drive from Rapid City, South Dakota to Tucson, Arizona:

We again "upped the anti" in the gutsiness department.  This time we were taking our U-Haul of possessions cross country to a place none of us had ever been.  My parents flew out to Rapid City and drove our car, Sarah and Weesnick (the one who supposedly couldn't travel in cars), while Andy and I managed the big truck.  We had to struggle mightily because the local office had given us a lemon to palm off on another state.  It broke down, didn't have the power steering and automatic shift that was promised, the emergency brake didn't work, and was basically a huge gangly truck.  I drove and handled the clutch while 10 year old Andy operated the top gear shifts that I couldn't reach, "Going for fourth." (as I put in the clutch but couldn't look at him) and he would respond "Got it," so that I knew I could let go of the clutch.  It took all four of our hands and arms to turn the steering wheel, and he was the look-out since the outside rear view mirror on my side was broken.  The last night as we were driving along the highway the desert was illuminated by yellow reflector lights ahead of us as far as the eye could see.  Both Andy and I commented that it looked like the yellow brick road that we were following to our next adventure.

Originally I wasn't going to include the U-Haul story in the blog, but I found something today that changed my mind.  A drawn caricature of my mom in a U-Haul, and an account written by SOMEONE ELSE of our move from Tucson to Fort Collins a few years later.

Moving was part of mom and who she was.  That essence of the Yellow Brick Road and that the next adventure was always on the horizon haunted and delighted her.

I have no idea who wrote this, but its a wonderful description of our life on the move, and I love the imagery of mom ferreting around in boxes and the purple eye-patch brigade that saw her off.

(excerpt from "The Move")
THE MOVE

This detailed description is not for the faint-hearted, nor for anyone contemplating a move in the near future.  Consider yourself forewarned!

Part The First----Preparation

     Jan became a box fiend, ferreting out every nook and cranny for a month before the actual event.  The professional movers' estimate of $300 for the supply of boxes alone was enough motivation.  She learned to haunt the campus hallways and staircases, the bookstore ramp, the new Mental Health office finishing its move into the old TKE house.  A dear friend, Anne Price, sponsored a Garage Sale at her house for Jan the week before the move, and the $232 she cleared while lightening up on furniture possessions almost covered the $250 car repairs that week to get the old Bobcat trip safe.

La Mujer Salvaje: Sonia Velasquez

Here's another remarkable "Wild Woman" in the media, though I may need a translator.  Sonia Velasquez,  originally from Colombia, refers to herself as a philanthropic journalist and a social activist: "I make a TV segment to create social awareness showing the initiatives that are making a difference in different parts of the world." 

In her own words (Source: Creative Caribbean Network):

I currently produce and present the radio show "Uniendo Mundos" "Bridging Worlds" aired on Caracol Radio Miami 1260 AM every Wednesday at 1:30 PM interviewing people who work to alleviate the pain of others.

In 2010 I produced the lifestyle series 'Dolce Vita a lo latino' TV Show, an adventure with the spirit of the Latin people building their dreams and changing the world. Stories with style and intensity presented with action, surprises and more. 'Dolce Vita a lo latino' was broadcasted in HolaVision, 12.2 digital in Palm Beach, USA.

As a Colombian journalist I am devoted to helping others. I am a peace activist who advocates for a fair world working from social media using video as a tool to express my vision.


While I saw no reference to personal information (such as any damage to her left eye), it's clear she embraces a patch lifestyle.  Seems like an understatement, she OWNS it!

Check out her cute logo:

I did see a testimonial add on the Eye Patch Store website, so if you'd like to order a similar black patch, she claims they're the most comfortable.  

From her website:

From YouTube:

Ellie likes this one because it has horses:

Photo Credit: http://www.soniavelasquez.com/
Video Credit: youtube.com

Wild Women: Lily Charles

An agoraphobic, alcoholic, ex-synchronized swimmer.

One of the most creative characters to don a patch was Lily Charles, aunt of Charlotte "Chuck" Charles on Pushing Daisies.  The show's protagonist was a boy who discovers his gift to bring the dead back to life.  The gift has rules, one being he can never touch the re-living again or they will drop dead from the slightest contact with his skin.  The plot thickens as Ned grows up and brings his childhood crush "Chuck" back to life.  Then what else, but they run around solving crimes. 

Like "Heart to Heart" meets "Murder She Wrote" meets Grease.

The Darling Mermain Darlings.  I'd have taken Ellie to see them!

Enter Chuck's aunt Lily Charles, one part of the ex-synchronized swimming duo the Darling Mermaid Darlings.  Lily, played by Swoosie Kurtz, lost her eye to a cat box accident and wears beautiful, decorative patches. 
At the end of the series (spoiler alert) I find I have more in common with Charlotte.  Lily is not her aunt, she's her (dum dum dum) MOTHER!  Let's hear it for the one-eye moms!  Alright, this mom is fairly twisted.  And to be a nit pick, mom could never put her head underwater without an industrial strength facemast for fear her ocular cavity would fill with water and she'd drown.  That aside, the Darling Mermaid Darlings have elegant style and fluid moves that would have filled mom's eye with envy. 

Check out the cool patches:

Lily Charles before Early-Mid-Middle-Morning Prayer.

Shock at seeing Chuck alive.

Mom never saw the show, but one thing she would have loved was the frequent treat of Kristen Chenoweth or Greene bursting into song.  Mom loved herself a musical.  Check out the Sound of Music, Birdhouse in Your Soul, or Morning Has Broken to fall in love with the show yourself.

Swoosie Kurtz on playing one-eyed, agoraphobic, vodka-holic, "Bette Davis meets Clint Eastwood":

Video of Birdhouse in Your Soul (can not RESIST a They Might Be Giants reference):

I can't get the Morning Has Broken segment to link, but you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv0klnEAZmM

Wild Women: Glamor Girls

What is it about an eye patch that makes a woman mysterious, sultry, even sexy?  No doubt an eye patch means something different on a woman than it does a man.

Check out these glamor girls:

Heidi

Rihanna

Bette Davis

Madonna

Then again...

Ugly Betty

Chapter 4: The heart of the matter

Collage from the Eye Patch Quilt.

The question mom poses throughout Chapter 4 to advocate for those with facial difference is: what's it like having a one-eyed mom?  What do people without facial differences not understand about how differences on the outside translate when behind closed doors?  Read on in her words:

Having been an only child myself, I was happy that Andy and Sarah would now have each other as they experienced the uniqueness that was ours.  I often would run around the house in the early mornings or late evenings without the patch on because the elastic caused pressure on my head.  I can generally wear them 3 to 4 times before the sewing the elastic tighter again so that they don't fall down on my nose.  The warmth of my head and hair oils must do the loosening over spans of hours.  Seldom does one fit just right without being too tight or too loose.  There is very little tolerance there for exact fit.

I have learned that it is not unusual for a physically challenged person to take off a prosthesis or health-aid when they are safely at home.  It creates a dichotomy of what is appropriate for the outside world and what is only okay when no neighbors or friends are over.  The kids got to see me running for the upstairs closet that housed the patches when an early doorbell range or a dog had to be walked in a hurry.  They didn't find my appearance scary, but I knew their friends who might be spending the night would, so I had a double set of dress codes for myself.

Being a teacher, counselor, therapist type, I sometimes would ask them if it bothered them when everyone stared at us as I came to one of their school concerts, friends' birthday parties, or athletic events.  Usually they said "No," but did acknowledge that their school mates kept asking them what was wrong with their Mom and why she wore that funny thing.  I think it really helped to be open and give everyone an opportunity to talk about it.

Is this family photo from the 70s or what?

Don't worry- she tasked me with writing my own chapter on this years ago...

Chapter 4: Ear...eye...nose...patch!

Proud parents with their "babies" in their laps.

In mom's own words:

Over the next few months I saw myself assuming my own mother's role of protector.  The military well-baby checks left much to be desired in those days as you sat with your child a minimum of an hour in a waiting room crowded with many other infant/mother combinations trying to cope as we were, and a few sick kids in the waiting room mixed in.  I flashed back to what it must have been like for my Mom through those gruesome medical days with me.  What strength it took to be the defender.

I began the usual little identification games with Andy as an infant and toddler.  Soon he could sit on my lap, say and point to my "ear...eye...nose...mouth...chin...patch!"  His childhood experience would clearly have some unusual dimensions to it.

Wild Women: Marie Colvin

Princesses and pirates aside, researching women in patches brought me to Marie Colvin.  Ms. Colvin, and American born reporter for The Sunday Times, is a real, live action hero- reporting from the front lines in conflicts worldwide.  Her courage, regardless of her ocular status, inspires me.  To note she has one eye feels superficial, its certainly not a central theme of her story. 

Take a look at the titles of her articles--perhaps you've read a few?

Check out this video featuring Ms. Colvin on the dangers of correspondents, the loss of her eye, and her efforts to bring to light an unreported humanitarian disaster.  She poses the rhetorical question: is it worth the cost?  "I felt that risk was worth it."

Sunday Mirror article on eembedded journalists (top photo credit)
http://riveronline.co.uk/09/category/meta-tags/sunday-mirror

Chapter 3: Janet Gone Wild

Janet Trever and Loie's future son-in-law on the right.

I've seen this picture before, but never quite this way.  After reading through Chapter 1 and Chapter 2, I myself feel like flying now that we've reached Chapter 3.  Mom transfers to DU and takes a chance on her iconic eye patch.  She pledges a sorority and finds herself soon on a blind date with the president of a fraternity.  As mom says, "I got three years in the swan pool."

Janet lived a fairytale.  I have stacks of photo albums with picture after picture of formals, theme parties, hikes and drives in the mountains. 

Tarzan party patch on the Eye Patch Quilt.



Wild Women: Princess of Eboli

Ana de Mendoza y de la Cerda, b. 1540.

In stumbling around the net looking for my German opera singer (who I'm not convinced exists) I was struck by the stunning portraits of Ana de Mendoza, aka the Princess of Eboli.  The princess lost her eye to a sword tip (I'm sure a "I told you you'd poke your eye out!" was quick to follow) and is painted with her iconic patch throughout the sixteenth century.

I'm amazed by her history, yet also by her following.  She's featured in plays, operas, and novels.  Recently Julia Ormond portrayed her in the film La Conjura de El Escorial and by another actress in a made for TV movie La Princesa de Eboli.

I love this picture of a doll...reminds me of my mom's teddy bear.  Maybe not so huggable.


I'm also not sure how to cite it, but this miniature bust of the Princess by El Greco Miniatures as viewed on Wamp forum.

PS- six months of shopping days left till my birthday...give me these!

Earrings featuring the Princess of Eboli.

References:
http://www.sightseeing-madrid.com/princess-of-eboli.php
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ana_de_Mendoza_y_de_la_Cerda
Doll photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/gesrules/4806098337/
Earrings photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/laboiteamonstres/3689195853/

Wild Women: Opera gives its right eye (or left, depending)

Chapter 3 has me thinking about the inspirational opera star.  Searching for her on Google has rendered little results.  One hit I got was Katharine Cornell, an opera star who once wore a patch, on Opera News.  She wore the patch for her role in That Lady. 

I take issue with a reviewer of That Lady who wrote that the patch was "unable to obscure her radiance," John Mason Brown The Saturday Review Nov 22, 1949.  Was it supposed to?  Could just a patch do that?  Look at that beautiful, elegant woman.  I would argue the patch adds to her beauty, but then of course I'm  biased and have the benefit of sixty years of tolerance.

Turns out there are a lot of eye patches in opera, only it seems more frequent for men.  Take the role of Wotan in Wagner's The Ring of the Nibelung series, or Odin from Norse mythology. 

Wagner's Wotan found on Intermezzo.

Some Wagner to set the mood.

 

Hopkins as a one-eyed Odin in next summer's Thor.

I did find some interesting information on the "Opera Whiz" blog as I was researching (okay, Googling) why Wotan as the Wanderer has lost his eye:

Brünnhilde herself is the original warrior maiden. In Norse lore, the valkyries were the daughters of Wotan and Erda, the earth goddess. "I'd give my right eye for a one night in the sack," was the line he used on her. (That's why he wears an eye patch in the operas.) It was the valkyries' job to fly down from Valhalla. They would swoop over the battlefield and collect the bodies of the most valiant warriors and take them back to Valhalla, where they would live in celebrated eternity.

Of course Intermezzo makes the point that Wanderer's missing eye seems to wander itself...(see Eye Eye Wotan post)

Last related point for this post: guess what the Valkyries fly down as...SWANS!!!  That's why they have wings and NOT horns.  Read Beth Parker's entire Opera Whiz post  Hey Wagner, thanks for Xena and She-Ra post here.

Remember: swan wings not horns ladies!

We'll save "Soap" operas for another day...

Chapter 3: A Patch is Born

From the cover of Wild Women.

The summer before mom transferred to DU she worked back in Chicago as a Kelly Girl and was placed at United Airlines new executive headquarters.

I went to downtown Chicago on the train on Saturdays to Patricia Stevens' modeling school where our girl scout troop had visited.  I enrolled in many different classes.  During an eyebrow class the instructor looked at me struggling to invent an eye brow on top of the seam of this plastic glob.  She said, "I notice you make all of your clothes.  Did you know there was a famous opera singer who always performed with jewel encrusted eye patches?"  I thought this was a wonderful idea to explore.  When I went home to tell my parents that night,my Mom said, "Great idea, try it!" and my Dad said, "No daughter of mine is going to be a pirate!"  Of course he had no way of knowing how it felt to me, with my face, to be in my adolescence: navigating through the world of fashion, appearance, and the need for acceptance.

The Pirates of Blood River came out in 1962, context for Grander's comment.

So, I waited to try it.  My parents drove me to Denver University in the fall; as they headed down the driveway to go back home, I went in to Pat's sewing machine and came up with my first patch proto-types to wear during rush week.  My thinking was that this was a whole new place, no one had ever seen me before besides Pat, and I could be whoever I wanted to be: they'd think I had always worn a patch.  And if it didn't work out or feel good to me, I could always go back to Illinois and never see any of these people again.  It was a window of opportunity I didn't want to miss.

It's obvious, isn't it? The patch worked.

From the Archives: The Wounded Healer

Chicago Tribune Northwest Spotlight

Crusader Janet Trever Proudly Bears The Scars Of Cancer Battles That Began Almost 50 Years Ago

August 17, 1997|By Kelly Womer. Special to the Tribune.

Janet Trever calls it her beautiful burden. She wears it prominently on her face, and she faces it nearly every day. Trever has survived three unrelated bouts of cancer that have left her with facial disfigurements, emotional scars and an even stronger will to make the most of each moment.

The Eye Patch Quilt, Part 1



The Eye Patch Quilt, In memory of Janet E. Trever 1943-1999 by Marcia Karlin

You may have noticed from time to time pictures of mom's patches.  She made thousands throughout her life that matched her outfits.  People always ask where she got the material from--well kids, in the 80s there was a huge fad called "shoulder pads."  Should this dreadful fad be repeated call your one-eyed friends as they made perfect fodder for matching fabric.  She also turned to pockets or hems.  These strategies rendered a perfect match, but of course she shopped at fabric stores to fill in the rest of her collection.

Chapter 2: Sink or Swim

Mom's chapter 2 is similar to Loie's chapter in section one.  It is long and has several themes critical to the rest of her book.  I'd like to break her "Childhood and Adolescence: Not for Sissies" chapter into a few entries, then post an unabridged version later this week (okay, by Christmas for sure).

Chapter One: The Tale of Teddy

Mom's teddy bear, modified over time.

The next post will dive into mom's first cancer diagnosis at age 5, but in this post--maybe more for myself--I'm so grateful Loie shared early family stories.  We still have mom's teddy bear and I've tried to explain the story of teddy found legs-sticking-up in a snowbank and never got it right.  Here it is from Loie's own pen.

When you were five months old you were given a sturdy brown teddy bear called "Teddy" whom you came to love devotedly over the years, taking him to college and to your home when you married.  He still lies on your bed or a nearby shelf.

One day long ago we drove to another suburb were I shut the car door with keys and Teddy inside.  You were still small and set up a terrible howl.  You cried and stamped to see him unreachable in the car, and you didn't let up until Daddy drove up in a borrowed car and handed out the keys.  Teddy had another adventure in our new home a year or so later.  Snow had fallen overnight and was pushed up in great piles by the snow plows.  In the days following you could not find Teddy anywhere and were distraught.  Driving down the block we noticed two brown legs sticking up and pulled on the legs and out popped Teddy.  You couldn't have been happier if I was the one who was lost in a snow pile.

Loie's Chapter Unabridged

A Tale of Two Forwards, Part II

John Wayne in True Grit.

Mom had not one but two forwards.  The first I posted last week from Dr. David P. Wilkinson, fearless leader of the St. Francis of the Foothills community in Tucson in the 80s when we attended.  The second forward is from another doctor altogether, Dr. George Sisson.



Not very often does a head and neck cancer surgeon have the opportunity to write the prologue of a book written by a three time cancer survivor.  To be a long time survivor itself takes "true grit."  A person must have deep inner faith not only in his or herself, but also in mankind.  Spiritual inspiration  must be mentioned, for it is available to anyone who will open their heart and mind.

Dr. Sisson served as mom's surgeon in the 1990s at Northwestern in Chicago.  Besides mom, he had another more famous and eccentric celebrity as a patient, Mr. Yul Brynner.  Mom never met Yul, but was introduced by Dr. Sisson to the Yul Brynner Head and Neck Cancer Foundation, co-founded by Yul and Dr. Sisson in 1981.  From Dr. Sisson's forward he states the mission of the organization was to "financially give support to young investigators whose projects on the cure and treatment of head and neck cancers merit pilot funding."

Wow- I never know where these posts are going to take me, and its always some cosmic full circle.

A minor mention of "true grit" I never noticed before. I knew it was a John Wayne movie, but today the eye patch connection has me all aflutter. Add to that a strawberry moment from my own life, a breakfast with my dad and husband at the True Grit Cafe in Ridgeway, Colorado a few years ago. I even have a shirt from there. Funny the web life weaves.

Anyway, back to the Forward:

With these words may I introduce Janet Trever, a highly educated, worldly and wonderfully kind of human being who has, by facing serious challenges head on, highly motivated other cancer patients to "keep their faith" and thereby somehow, someway, undeniable encouraged healing.  Cancer patients who have been through this experience know full and well the truths expounded by Janet.

Janet has not only given of herself to other cancer patients on a one to one basis, but she has actively participated in programs such as the Yul Brynner Head and Neck Cancer Foundation which was established by Yul and myself in 1981 with the charge to financially give support to young investigators whose project on the cure and treatment of head and neck cancers merit pilot funding.  The results of these studies and investigations are of valuable help to the National Institute of Health when it selects cancer programs worthy of even more intensive funding.

Having practiced my specialty for over 50 years and been the witness of the sorrow and elation of many patients and their families, I am delighted and especially honored to make a brief statement.  I cannot overemphasize the healing power of persistent optimism and faith not only by patients, but by their doctors, other care givers, and their families--and also by the inspirational contributions of patients like Janet Trever.

To read more on the history of the Yul Brynner foundation or on Dr. George Sisson, please visit http://www.ohancaw.com/history/ and http://www.headandneck.org/.